Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to call up a really good friend but then you remember that you really aren't that close to them anymore? It's moments like this that are harder on me than anything. I had this happen to me just today. I was having a wonderful day with my husband and brother, laughing and joking and whatnot, and thought "Hey, I'll just give --- a call (not naming names here)...because I remember how many great times we have had together...silly little inside jokes that no one will ever get except for us, lol. And that we went through something magical together; our pregnancies. Then, it hits me and I feel completely naseous. (We're NOT that close anymore for circumstances I had NO control over...and knowing I would give anything to change what happened... BUT I CAN'T!!!! This breaks my heart and I struggle with the hurt so much. Hurting for her, and me...both for different reasons.) Sorry, Raquel, but not today...I try to call up another friend but it's not quite the same. Not really awkward but I just keep thinking that if I was chatting it up with -- then I wouldn't feel so down. That this girl could really cheer me up...she is SO great at that. For reasons I can't control...we grew apart. And now, I spend more time than people know still trying to figure out a way to clear the air and avoid the awkardness that I know is going to come with our conversations. I've talked to my hubby, and my Mom who are both amazing and have given me great advice. Most importantly, I have spent countless hours in prayer to my amazing Savior...and the only answer I have so far received..."BE PATIENT" And THAT is SO hard to do. But still, I will obey my Lord and in this, I know He will do great things in this situation. He will answer prayers, provide me with the right things to say at the perfect moments...and then, maybe one day, not too far in the future, I will be able to think "Hey, I will just give -- a call!" And I'll dial the number and on the other end I'll hear that beautiful voice that belongs to my friend. YES, forever and always my BFF.
Heading to bed...it's been a weird day for me!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Exhausted..But Not Really Wanting to Go to Bed!
So, it's almost 1am and I am currently forcing myself to stay awake so that I can feed Noah when he decides to wake up. Yeah, I should be sleeping but once I fall asleep I have SO much trouble getting myself to wake up, so it's easier for me just to stay awake for his first feeding during the night. Not to mention, Caleb has been doing ALL the night feedings almost every night since we brought the little booger home, lol. It has been working out really well that way, but he is getting an awful cold so I wanted to make sure he had his rest tonight.
Life as a mommy has been going surprisingly better than I thought. I have my days where I just want to cry and never stop...but they are becoming few and far between. I think one of the biggest problems I am adjusting to and having to deal with is the fact that I am SUPER overprotective of Noah. Example: People (I'm using this term loosely because I have specific people in mind but I'm not going to mention any names) love to watch him...but, it's like, I don't even feel very comfortable with that. I tell them to do something a certain way, just because I know that Noah is used to a routine, but they choose to do it very differently. OR, if I specifically ask them not to hold him ALL the time...especially while he is sleeping (since we are doing our best to get him to sleep in his crib for naps and at nighttime) THEY DON'T LISTEN! Grrr...it just makes me SO freaking angry. I went through hell to get him here; almost 10 LONG months of pregnancy, 14 hours of hard labor, and an emergency c-section. I love him with my whole heart. I never knew I would be SO posessive over my little one...especially with the same people I have trusted all my life. I honestly believe the ONLY person besides myself, that I feel 100% comfortable with being with him is my hubby...who does an amazing job as a Daddy! *big smile*
The thing is, I really, really don't want to be this way. Infact, I HATE it...it's not like me to act like this. I guess when you have had that close of a connection with another human being...the fact that he lived and breathed inside of me for so long...makes trusting people with him really hard. I'm just so afraid that someone else will do something differently than how I do, and it will upset him...or that he will miss his mommy. I sound so stupid, but it's how I've been feeling over the past 5 weeks. I'm sure that feeling will fade over time..but I'm not expecting it to completely go away. It just means I love Noah more than he will ever be able to know....LOL.
On to something else...Caleb and I have been working very hard to get Noah on a good sleep schedule. It's been pretty rough up til this point for the simple fact that he hasn't had much of a sleep pattern. It was pretty much all over the place. Well, for the past week, it has been more predictable, so we decided it was time to start a nightly bedtime ritual to hopefully ensure he starts to sleep a little better. Not that it's been bad so far...just that some nights he was going to sleep at 10, others at 1am, and still some nights around 7 or 8ish. It's just been so scattered, it's hard for Caleb and I to find any "us time" in the course of a day. So, we have started getting him ready for bed around 7pm which at best, takes an hour. Then, I start his soothing sounds (he seems to like the heartbeat the best), read him his favorite book (he LOVED hearing it when he was in my belly; Oh Baby the Places You'll Go...A Book to be Read in Utero!!!!), rock him for about 15 or so minutes and put him to bed. Not that he goes to sleep right away. He cries until we pick him up, rock him again, and back to bed. So, the cycle continues until he finally falls asleep, exhausted. Tonight was a real breakthrough for us, because although it took 2 hours for him to finally fall asleep, he was out before 10pm. Then, Caleb and I had time to talk, take our shower (yes, we shower together now, lol...not only because it saves time, but it's one of the few minutes we have during the day to ourselves...and it's hard to tell when Noah will wake up next and one of us has to rush out of the shower, soaking wet, to soothe him, lol), and get to bed. Now, my hubby is peacefully sleeping while I sit here and wait for my beautiful little boy to wake up and eat! *sighs* Who knew that I would ever be glad to sit here, TOTALLY exhausted, but not really wanting to go to sleep yet just so I can see and hold my angel. I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am to the Lord for each and every blessing. God is truly good!
PS-I'm really looking forward to this weekend...I get to spend some much needed time with the hubbz, and I also get to hang out with my brother, who I haven't really seen much since Noah was born. I really can't wait!
Life as a mommy has been going surprisingly better than I thought. I have my days where I just want to cry and never stop...but they are becoming few and far between. I think one of the biggest problems I am adjusting to and having to deal with is the fact that I am SUPER overprotective of Noah. Example: People (I'm using this term loosely because I have specific people in mind but I'm not going to mention any names) love to watch him...but, it's like, I don't even feel very comfortable with that. I tell them to do something a certain way, just because I know that Noah is used to a routine, but they choose to do it very differently. OR, if I specifically ask them not to hold him ALL the time...especially while he is sleeping (since we are doing our best to get him to sleep in his crib for naps and at nighttime) THEY DON'T LISTEN! Grrr...it just makes me SO freaking angry. I went through hell to get him here; almost 10 LONG months of pregnancy, 14 hours of hard labor, and an emergency c-section. I love him with my whole heart. I never knew I would be SO posessive over my little one...especially with the same people I have trusted all my life. I honestly believe the ONLY person besides myself, that I feel 100% comfortable with being with him is my hubby...who does an amazing job as a Daddy! *big smile*
The thing is, I really, really don't want to be this way. Infact, I HATE it...it's not like me to act like this. I guess when you have had that close of a connection with another human being...the fact that he lived and breathed inside of me for so long...makes trusting people with him really hard. I'm just so afraid that someone else will do something differently than how I do, and it will upset him...or that he will miss his mommy. I sound so stupid, but it's how I've been feeling over the past 5 weeks. I'm sure that feeling will fade over time..but I'm not expecting it to completely go away. It just means I love Noah more than he will ever be able to know....LOL.
On to something else...Caleb and I have been working very hard to get Noah on a good sleep schedule. It's been pretty rough up til this point for the simple fact that he hasn't had much of a sleep pattern. It was pretty much all over the place. Well, for the past week, it has been more predictable, so we decided it was time to start a nightly bedtime ritual to hopefully ensure he starts to sleep a little better. Not that it's been bad so far...just that some nights he was going to sleep at 10, others at 1am, and still some nights around 7 or 8ish. It's just been so scattered, it's hard for Caleb and I to find any "us time" in the course of a day. So, we have started getting him ready for bed around 7pm which at best, takes an hour. Then, I start his soothing sounds (he seems to like the heartbeat the best), read him his favorite book (he LOVED hearing it when he was in my belly; Oh Baby the Places You'll Go...A Book to be Read in Utero!!!!), rock him for about 15 or so minutes and put him to bed. Not that he goes to sleep right away. He cries until we pick him up, rock him again, and back to bed. So, the cycle continues until he finally falls asleep, exhausted. Tonight was a real breakthrough for us, because although it took 2 hours for him to finally fall asleep, he was out before 10pm. Then, Caleb and I had time to talk, take our shower (yes, we shower together now, lol...not only because it saves time, but it's one of the few minutes we have during the day to ourselves...and it's hard to tell when Noah will wake up next and one of us has to rush out of the shower, soaking wet, to soothe him, lol), and get to bed. Now, my hubby is peacefully sleeping while I sit here and wait for my beautiful little boy to wake up and eat! *sighs* Who knew that I would ever be glad to sit here, TOTALLY exhausted, but not really wanting to go to sleep yet just so I can see and hold my angel. I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am to the Lord for each and every blessing. God is truly good!
PS-I'm really looking forward to this weekend...I get to spend some much needed time with the hubbz, and I also get to hang out with my brother, who I haven't really seen much since Noah was born. I really can't wait!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
My Little Baby Werewolf
Caleb and I have been joking about Noah being part werewolf, lol. For the past two full moons, he has been SO fussy a few days before we have one. Although, today he has been fairly well behaved, although his sleep cycles have been a bit off. In other words, my lovely husband hasn't been getting much sleep. He decided to get up during the nights with Noah since I am with him all day and evening. I take care of Noah Bug even after Caleb gets home in the evenings so Caleb has a chance to relax from his day at work. Speaking of work, his schedule changed last week so now he works 7-3:30...which means he is home by 4 every day! I LOVE IT!!!!
Not much has been happening...it has been exciting to watch my beautiful little one grow. He has already changed SO much since last month. One of my favorite things to do is just sit and watch all of his silly little faces he makes all the time, lol. In total I've only been away from the little guy for 8 hours since he was born. Once on Valentine's Day and also last Friday...just because hubby and I really needed a break. So, Mom watched him for awhile so I could get some errands done...and I actually got to cook a nice meal for my hubby! *big smile*
I think Caleb and I are finally adjusting to our roles as new parents. It was really overwhelming in the beginning and surprisingly scary at times. But now, things just seem SO normal...and it's hard to even imagine my life before Noah. He is such a joy to have in our lives and one of the best things I ever did, lol!
I have a couple of events I'm really looking forward to over the next couple of months. In April, Mom and I are going to see the broadway show, Riverdance...one of the Christmas presents I got for her. We even have front row balcony seats...which is AWESOME! We're taking the day to celebrate being "mommies" so we are spending the day at the spa before the show. We've already got booked spa manis and pedis...and I cannot wait. Another event is alumni weekend at Roanoke College. It will be so nice to see all of my classmates again..especially my Seminar class. Everyone is really excited to see Noah, and Caleb and I definitely can't wait to show him off! YAY!!!.
I think Caleb and I are finally adjusting to our roles as new parents. It was really overwhelming in the beginning and surprisingly scary at times. But now, things just seem SO normal...and it's hard to even imagine my life before Noah. He is such a joy to have in our lives and one of the best things I ever did, lol!
I have a couple of events I'm really looking forward to over the next couple of months. In April, Mom and I are going to see the broadway show, Riverdance...one of the Christmas presents I got for her. We even have front row balcony seats...which is AWESOME! We're taking the day to celebrate being "mommies" so we are spending the day at the spa before the show. We've already got booked spa manis and pedis...and I cannot wait. Another event is alumni weekend at Roanoke College. It will be so nice to see all of my classmates again..especially my Seminar class. Everyone is really excited to see Noah, and Caleb and I definitely can't wait to show him off! YAY!!!.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Proud of Myself!
So, I weighed myself today and as much as I was hating to get back on those scale...it wasn't THAT bad. Infact, I have lost 25 lbs since having Noah...I've got a lot of weight left to lose, but still, that just makes me so happy. I wasn't counting on that. I have set my goal weight at 135 so it's going to take some work to get back to that point. I can't wait for the midwife to tell me it's ok to start working out again...because I CAN'T WAIT!!!! It will be so nice shedding these lbs and getting back into shape again. I plan on doing lots of walking...which will be even more fun since I have a stroller to push around now, lol. Mom and I are making big plans for this summer, too. Lots of swimming at the lake with my beautiful cousin Sara, Aunt Karen, Mom, Granny Jones, and Noah Bug. I am so looking forward to it getting warm again just so I can take Noah out in the sunshine...he will love it! :-) Plus, I'm praying that being outside in the air will help him to sleep better at night...he only wakes up 2 times at most now, but if he could sleep through the night, it would be awesome! Ok, well, gotta get read to meet my parents for dinner tonight...CRACKER BARREL!!!! YUM!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
:-)
Not much to write today...other than I had a wonderful day! *big smile* I went shopping with Mom, Granny and Noah this morning at Wal-Mart. That was the first time I had been grocery shopping since the little guy was born. It was really nice getting back into a normal routine. Not to mention, Caleb and I have been praying really hard about whether or not to move out of the apartment in May when our lease is up...or to stay here for another year. We both would love to move and are in the process of weighing the pros and cons. Pros= More room, paying towards owning our own home, better location...maybe in the country Cons=I would have to go back to work which means spending less time with Noah Bug, we would be able to pay off all of our debt (excluding school loans, of course) which would enable us to buy whatever house we want to next year. *sighs* Right now we are leaning towards staying here for another year...I really don't want to go back to work anytime soon...the more time I can have with my beautiful little boy, the happier we all will be. Not to mention, childcare is SO expensive...and I trust myself with him more than a complete stranger. So yeah...we definitely need to keep praying about it. If the Lord wants us to move, then He will provide an opportunity that is best!!! Gonna go spend some much needed family time with my two favorite guys!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Will the Hormones EVER get BETTER???
I am having a rough day. I wonder if these hormones will ever get better. I just hate them so much...I try to keep my emotions inside because I know the moment I start crying, I won't be able to stop. I wish that my hubby could understand them, but unfortunately he can't...because he has never had to personally experience them before. Sometimes, I just feel like no one understands what I'm going through...and I really would love to have someone to tell me that it's ok, and perfectly normal. I definitely need some girl time...trust me, I love my husband to death, but he just doesn't get me the way girls do. *sighs* Not to mention, even though my c-section incision looks great and the healing is going really well...my stomach is starting to shrink back to its pre-pregnancy size. And let me just say...the more it shrinks, the more it pulls on my incision and it hurts SOOOOO bad. I hate taking medication unless I absolutely need it, so I am doing my best not to take the pain meds they gave me right after leaving the hospital. I am tough...I can deal with it.
Ok, enough complaining. Noah did really well today...he was a little fussy but compared to most babies, he is just so well behaved. I really believe the little guy gives me strength I didn't know I had...I can handle my emotions so much better when he is around. All I have to do when I'm having a bad day is pick him up and hold him close to my chest. It calms me down so much better than anything else I have ever experienced. I love that little boy so much!
Ok, enough complaining. Noah did really well today...he was a little fussy but compared to most babies, he is just so well behaved. I really believe the little guy gives me strength I didn't know I had...I can handle my emotions so much better when he is around. All I have to do when I'm having a bad day is pick him up and hold him close to my chest. It calms me down so much better than anything else I have ever experienced. I love that little boy so much!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
TIRED
Today has been an emotionally draining day. My hormones are horrible...Noah has been so fussy and I just don't know what to do to make the little guy happy! :-( Caleb's schedule at work changed and instead of getting there at 8 he now has to be there at 7 which puts me up between 6 and 6:30am to begin my day with Noah. Not that I'm complaining...it's just hard adjusting to a new schedule..especially when I am only currently getting between 4 and 5 hours of sleep at night! *sighs* I know this phase will pass by more quickly than I want it to...but it will be nice to finally get a full night's sleep again. Ok, gotta run...Noah is getting hungry!
Monday, February 15, 2010
My Two Favorite Guys
So, I needed to get some stuff done around the house this morning...Noah was sleeping so I decided to lay him in bed with his Daddy. I walked back in about 30 minutes later and this is what I saw...LOL! My two boys sleep exactly the same way...heads turned to the left and hands up above their heads...it made me laugh!
If You Want to Be Happy, Be! ~Tolstoy~
I woke up this morning to my husband laying our beautiful little boy down beside me. Then Caleb layed down too and we spent the morning cuddling together! It was one of the sweetest moments I have had in quite awhile. Although, yesterday was pretty great, too. I got a hug from a friend that I haven't really seen or talked to in three months...I was just so happy I couldn't stop smiling. Then, as I already explained, I got to spend the day with just hubby and I. That was nice.
Now, I'm watching my little one play on his play mat...it has become one of his favorite things to do. I open up the blinds and he will lay on his mat for an hour or more just staring out the window and kick and bat at his toys! LOL...it is just the cutest thing! :-) I can't believe it, but he will be a month old on Thursday. Time is going by so much faster since I had him...it scares me a little bit, lol. I know I will blink and he will be all grown up and ready to be out on his own. *sighs* I'm just so thankful for each moment we get to spend with him. I will cherish them all...even those tough times.
Well, I better get off of here for now...we are supposed to be meeting Caleb's parents for lunch today at Abuelos...that is if they didn't get a ton of snow in Craig last night! Have a blessed day!
Now, I'm watching my little one play on his play mat...it has become one of his favorite things to do. I open up the blinds and he will lay on his mat for an hour or more just staring out the window and kick and bat at his toys! LOL...it is just the cutest thing! :-) I can't believe it, but he will be a month old on Thursday. Time is going by so much faster since I had him...it scares me a little bit, lol. I know I will blink and he will be all grown up and ready to be out on his own. *sighs* I'm just so thankful for each moment we get to spend with him. I will cherish them all...even those tough times.
Well, I better get off of here for now...we are supposed to be meeting Caleb's parents for lunch today at Abuelos...that is if they didn't get a ton of snow in Craig last night! Have a blessed day!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
A Wonderful Valentine's Day
Well, today was really wonderful. We started off the day by going back to our home church...and it was so uplifting to finally be back there. It went so well and everyone was happy to finally get the chance to see Noah Bug! *sighs* The Lord really worked in that situation and I couldn't be more thankful! Then, it was back home to drop Noah off with my parents so Caleb and I could finally have our date. We were supposed to go out together last weekend but due to all the bad weather we had to postpone. So thankful we had the opportunity to spend today with each other. It's hard to believe how difficult it is to maintain an intimate relationship with your spouse after just having a baby. Noah is the center of every thought and feeling and takes a bit of extra effort to make personal time for each other. Today, Caleb and I took some time to catch up with each other on things we haven't really had a chance to talk about over the last month or so...and I have to admit, it was really nice. There was laughter, and tears...just finally being able to talk about everything I've been feeling since giving birth...the happy moments, frustrations, and even the simple things like what he has been doing at work. It was just so nice. Then, on the way to the theater, I got a phone call from one of my best friends, Emily; calling to tell me that she was engaged!!! I can't tell you how wonderful it was to hear such great news! I am so happy for her and Fletcher, her fiance! They are such a wonderful Christian couple...I know the Lord will be at the center of their marriage, and that will ensure that it is a strong one. *smiles* It made me think about the day that Caleb and I got engaged..and how far we have come since that moment...January 13th, 2006. I can't even begin to explain how happy I was that day...that I was finally going to marry my best friend...and I surely did, two years later...July 12th, 2008. We have had our shares of ups and downs along the way, but I wouldn't change one single thing about any of those moments..they are what has shaped us into the couple we are today! Each of those tough times has made each happy moment even sweeter. I am just so thankful that God has blessed me with a wonderful, loving husband and a beautiful baby boy. Thank you Lord for each and every blessing, answered and unanswered prayers, and most of all, my salvation! And to Caleb...thank you for being the most loving husband a woman could ask for! I LOVE YOU! Happy Valentine's Day!
A Wonderful Valentine's Day!
Well, today was really wonderful. We started off the day by going back to our home church...and it was so uplifting to finally be back there. It went so well and everyone was happy to finally get the chance to see Noah Bug! *sighs* The Lord really worked in that situation and I couldn't be more thankful! Then, it was back home to drop Noah off with my parents so Caleb and I could finally have our date. We were supposed to go out together last weekend but due to all the bad weather we had to postpone. So thankful we had the opportunity to spend today with each other. It's hard to believe how difficult it is to maintain an intimate relationship with your spouse after just having a baby. Noah is the center of every thought and feeling and takes a bit of extra effort to make personal time for each other. Today, Caleb and I took some time to catch up with each other on things we haven't really had a chance to talk about over the last month or so...and I have to admit, it was really nice. There was laughter, and tears...just finally being able to talk about everything I've been feeling since giving birth...the happy moments, frustrations, and even the simple things like what he has been doing at work. It was just so nice. Then, on the way to the theater, I got a phone call from one of my best friends, Emily; calling to tell me that she was engaged!!! I can't tell you how wonderful it was to hear such great news! I am so happy for her and Fletcher, her fiance! They are such a wonderful Christian couple...I know the Lord will be at the center of their marriage, and that will ensure that it is a strong one. *smiles* It made me think about the day that Caleb and I got engaged..and how far we have come since that moment...January 13th, 2006. I can't even begin to explain how happy I was that day...that I was finally going to marry my best friend...and I surely did, two years later...July 12th, 2008. We have had our shares of ups and downs along the way, but I wouldn't change one single thing about any of those moments..they are what has shaped us into the couple we are today! Each of those tough times has made each happy moment even sweeter. I am just so thankful that God has blessed me with a wonderful, loving husband and a beautiful baby boy. Thank you Lord for each and every blessing, answered and unanswered prayers, and most of all, my salvation! And to Caleb...thank you for being the most loving husband a woman could ask for! I LOVE YOU! Happy Valentine's Day!
:-)
I just want to say I love this wonderful life that the Lord has so graciously blessed me with! Sometimes life is difficult, but my relationship with the Lord makes facing this life so much easier to handle. Today, while you celebrate your day with your Valentine...remember the love that God has for each of you!
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